Swinging My Arms

I can’t help it, I get a thrill when a connection is made. I try not to attach being liked to that feeling of thrill but am really not 100% successful with that. As we all know, my reader, being attached to likes is a bumpy ride.

Who I am can get easily confused with all that is around me, with all of the connections and input, to what I am giving and the feeling of how it is being received, recognized or rejected. I can let that kind of seep in and color the way I see myself and the way I allow others to see me.

I’m going to tell you a mini-story about myself. When I was a freshman in High School it was a fairly big school and campus. There was this big area in between buildings where all of the lockers were and there was always a lot of people hanging around. Walking past that area was excruciating, I unconsciously held my arms stiffly by my sides, feeling every laugh, every conversation, every person, all of this as I tried to get past, hoping to be invisible but feeling oh so visible, bombarded, and exposed. It was torturous.

One of my sisters was a Senior and she must have seen me. One day at home she showed me how to walk, swinging my arms in a natural way, and kind of gliding around. So I practiced swinging my arms and that helped a little. When everyone was concentrated on one thing, like in choir singing, groups were pleasurable, or one to one I could navigate and enjoy.

The reason I told you that mini-story is, I am sure that I am not the only one who feels their environment deeply, who struggles with the subtle boundaries of self. I am also learning that great joy comes when I feel myself strongly, my self, my unadulterated self

So, what I am walking with (and by this I mean it is a longer term learning that goes deeper and deeper) is how can I learn new things, feel the joy of connection with the give and take that community and I deserve, and still continue to come more strongly into myself and my own purpose.

This journey has it’s trials but has become quite fierce and joyful as well. People talk about self acceptance but do we know the depth of that? Do we feel the joy as who we are begins to fill our body?